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ACTUAL INSTRUCTIONS TO THE ORCHESTRA FROM PROFESSIONAL CONDUCTORS
HOW TO COOK A CONDUCTOR or "Maestro al Dente"
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ACTUAL INSTRUCTIONS TO THE ORCHESTRA FROM PROFESSIONAL CONDUCTORS (IN REHEARSAL) TOP
Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato.
Pianissimo doesn't mean to drop the f*** out.
Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion.
Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo-like way.
It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like this does.
Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do.
Not so bright. It sounds like "Orpheus in His Underwear."
Play short, especially if you don't know where you are.
That was a drive-by viola solo.
Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up.
There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them.
Strings, I know what you're thinking: "With all this racket going on, why am I playing?" Well, there's no time for existential questions right now.
This must be much more agitated. Think of someone you hate. Think of your mother-in-law.
The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26.
Now forget all the nasty things I said and play naturally.
You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I.
Play as if you were musicians.
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HOW TO COOK A CONDUCTOR or "Maestro al Dente" TOP
Necessary Ingredients:
One large Conductor, or two small Assistant Conductors
2 gallons Ketchup
2 large garlic bulbs
10 lb. Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening - lard may be
substituted
1 cask cheap wine
1 bass trunk
2 lb. alfalfa sprouts
27 lb. assorted yuppie food - tofu, yogurt, crudite', etc.
Preparation Instructions:
First, catch a conductor and remove clothing, tail, and horns.
Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any
batons, pencils, and long articulations and discard. Remove the hearing
aid and discard (it never worked, anyway). Clean the conductor as you
would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body.
If you have an older conductor, such as one from a Major Orchestra
or Summer Music Festival, you may need to tenderize. Some suggested
successful methods: Pound the conductor on a rock with timpani mallets;
smash the conductor repeatedly between two large cymbals; place the
conductor directly in front of the brass section for at least twenty
minutes while it performs Strauss and Wagner excerpts "ffffffff mit
flatterzung." Then examine your conductor carefully - many of them are
mostly large intestine. If you have such a conductor, you must discard
it and catch another.
Next, place the conductor into the bass trunk, cover with cheap
wine, and marinate for at least 36 hours, or for a single performance of
any Bruckner symphony, whichever is longer. Exception: Conductors from
France. Since American and German conductors have a beery taste which
some gourmands prefer, the wine might overwhelm - use your judgment.
When the conductor has been sufficiently marinated, rub all over with
garlic. Then with vague, slow, circular motions, cover every inch of the
body with the shortening. If this turns you on, you may simultaneously
cover your own body with shortening.
Then find an orchestra. Put out as much music as the stands will
hold without falling over and make sure there are many really loud
passages for everyone - big loud chords for the winds and brass and lots
and lots of fortissimo tremolos for the strings. Rehearse these passages
several times, making sure the brass, winds, and percussion always play
as loud as they can and the strings tremolo at the highest possible
speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your conductor. If
the flames are not high enough, take every possible repeat and add the
second repeats in really big symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your
repertoire to have as many repeats as possible. If you have a piece with
no repeats, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original
score and there was an ink blot there that "looked just like a repeat"
to you, and which obviously had been missed by every other idiot/music
critic who had ever looked at the score.
When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your conductor
on top of your orchestra (he won't mind because he's used to it) until
he's well tanned and his hair turns back to its natural color. Be
careful not to overcook, else your conductor could end up tasting like
stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts, and ketchup,
then Place in a blender and puree until smooth. Slice your conductor as
you would any turkey, cover with sauce, and serve accompanied by the
assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine.
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When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
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"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." -- Woody Allen
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." -- Laurence Peter
"What we know is not much; what we do not know is immense." -- Pierre
"I do not like to repeat successes, I like to go on to other things." -- Walt Disney
"Beware the hobby that eats." -- Benjamin Franklin
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." -- Albert Einstein
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HIRE YEW -- Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Howdy. Hire yew."
JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Lanner.
Usage: "Mah brother from Jawjuh bard mah pickup truck."
MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "Mah brother from Jawjuh bard mah pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "Ah thank I left mah ranch in the back of that pickup truck mah brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "Ah sure hope mah brother from Jawjuh puts all in mah pickup truck."
FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If mah brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in mah pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, ah hope that brother of mahn from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in mah pickup truck."
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I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
(Eleanor Roosevelt)
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
(George Burns)
Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year.
(Victor Borge)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
(Mark Twain)
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
(Mark Twain)
My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for sex, she objects.
(Les Dawson)
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(Socrates)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
(Groucho Marx)
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
(Charlotte Whitton)
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe.
(Jimmy Durante)
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
(Jilly Cooper)
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
(Zsa Zsa Gabor)
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
(Alex Levine)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
(Mark Twain)
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
(Ed Furgol)
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
(Spike Milligan)
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
(Henny Youngman)
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
(Mark Twain)
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'
(Joe Namath)
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
(George Burns)
At my age, flowers scare me.
(George Burns)
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
(Herbert Henry Asquith)
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
(Lucille Ball)
I don't feel old; I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
(Bob Hope)
A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
(W.C. Fields)
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
(W.C. Fields)
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
(George Burns)
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
(Woody Allen)
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words...
(Woody Allen)
If only God would give me some sign... a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
(Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
(Woody Allen)
If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans.
(Woody Allen)
Those are my principles, if you don't like them... I have others.
(Groucho Marx)
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
(Mark Twain)
Worry is the Interest you pay on the Inevitable.
(Unknown)
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act, but a habit.
(Aristotle)
The defect of equality is that we only desire it with our superiors.
(Henry Becque)
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
(Elbert Hubbard)
Write a witty saying and you'll be remembered forever.
(unknown)
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.
(Thomas Jefferson)
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
(Mark Twain, Letter to Mrs. Foote, Dec. 2, 1887)
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
(David Letterman)
When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about.
(Albert Einstein)
The secret of joy in work is contained in one word - excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it.
(Pearl Buck)
To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.
(Chinese Proverb)
I desire what is good. Therefore everyone who doesn't agree with me is a traitor.
(King George III of England)
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
(Herbert Henry Asquith)
Sophisticated persons masturbate without compunction. They do it for reasons of health, privacy, thrift and because of the remarkable perfection of invisible partners.
(P. J. O'Rourke)
True merit, like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it makes.
(Edward F. Halifax)
There is no way of proving your point to someone whose income and position depend upon believing the contrary.
(Sydney Harris)
It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it.
(Arnold Toynbee)
Men's natures are alike; it is their habits that carry them apart.
(Confucius)
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Last modified:03/28/05
